Nine Bullets

What am I doing?

2007-08-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

So, why is it that when I'm with the new girl, I'm so happy but then I dream about the ex...nonstop...I don't think I ever dealt with the breakup...and I think its starting to hit me how much I really did care about her. You just cant write that off. I could have had her back...I told her to go. And now I know she is so hurt by my new relationship and I think Im screwing up big time. I havent spoken to the ex in nearly 2 months...this is my way of dealing...I pretend that she doesnt exist but she does and Im sure Ill run into her soon enough. Now I've dived right in with someone new and just like always, she's falling for me. And of course I do nothing to dissuade her from feeling that...There are times when I feel the same but then my dreams and my thoughts haunt me. Tonight I leave for 60 hours of work and I will see 7 states and go without sleep and I know my mind will be messing with me. PArt of me is embarassed that I have done what I have done. The new girl is great but how much of a piece of shit am I to just jump right in and make it public at that...maybe the ex is doing the same...maybe thats how she is dealing...I dont know. All I know is these dreams haunt me and these feelings are killing me. There are 2 sides to me going at it just like always...one is wanting to stay with the new girl and get my shit together...finish my MBA then jump into law school and make a life here with or without her...the other side is telling me to run...telling me to get the hell outta here again. But this time, my body is so unable to use fighting as a reason that I haev no reason or means to an end to leave...Maybe Brett was right...I'll never be satisfied...never think anyone or anything is good enough...Some days I think I am doing so well and I am so content but days like today eat me alive...

"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much
as your own unguarded thoughts."-Buddha

I'm Back and I'm Sure No One Will Read It...

2007-07-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm back after a decade long hiatus...shit has changed drastically. I went back to Thailand, quit a corporate job, ended a near 2 year relationship, enrolled in grad school, met a new chick that I'm apparently semi-serious with already and now I'm looking for a new corporate job. That's how you summarize the past 19 months I guess...Am I happy? I'm happier than I was but in true JD fashion, I still haven't dealt with much of anything involving emotions and if I have it my way, I wont' So, I could go back and erase all the old posts from this blog but I'm not gonna. Its where I was at the time and its a good reminder of things...I dont know if anyone will ever read this but, its here...be good...

Wassup...

2006-01-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

So I have been MIA for quite sometime. In that time, I have made a decision to pretty much keep the private things just that, private. I still have the girl...things are still rough. Things will continue to be rough until she gets the hell out of school and I can feel like we are really moving on. I'm still sober, still true and my shoulder is at about 75%. I've been in the gym for about 3 wks now hard. I dont know if I am supposed ot be leaking this info or not but fuck it. The head trainer/part owner of our gym in Athens has made TUF3...so congrats to him. Ive known this for about 2.5 months but its kinda secret so ya. I wont give a name so maybe if someone who gives a shit stumbles across this, I wont get into trouble. Life is OK...the job is something I should be thankful for but its just not my style. Money is great, benefits are great, opportunities are there but my heart and soul are still in fighting. With everyday that passes, every pain in my shoulder, every paycheck I am finding that dream getting farther away from me. The holidays were rough. I found myself by the one person I love more than anything in this world as she fought for her life in the ICU for the 3 straight days before Christmas. Dont ask for details cuz if you dont know them already, you aint getting them. I have been slacking as far as God goes. I have been getting very angry lately and very depressed. At least I have grown out of the "get fucked up and pretend everything is OK" phase. Life has never scared me as much as it does now. I've got a serious job, a serious girl and I'm not happy. I cant help but wonder what the real issue is. I just dont know anymore. What I do know is this; the thought of permanently settling into this life makes me sick and if I'm not careful, thats just whats gonna happen. You get comfortable in life and you start sacrificing your dreams and desires. Somewhere between Thailand and Atlanta my dreams and ambitions went from acceptable to outrageous and out of the question. When I was in high school, I never expected to make it to age 30. Maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe deep down I knew that with age comes the realization that life just will never be what you always dreamed it would. Maybe I just wanted to go out on top of my game. I would never want to die but there sure are times I dont wanna live. Some will say "get rid of the girl." Some will say "quit the job." Some will say "move away." But I'm not sure that any combination of those sentences is the answer. Do I quit my job on a whim and hope thats why Im unhappy? Do I break up with the one girl I know I have truly loved whole-heartedly and hope she was the weight on my back? Do I pack it all up and leave everything and everyone I know behind to go and make my own way? The answer is no. I gotta go with God on this. If I was meant to do any of those things, I wouldnt have to wonder if it was right or wrong. So, until I know I am getting my feelings right, I'm gonna keep doing what Im doing. Working the job that makes sense, loving the girl that can make me cry and living in the same place I've always lived. I know this has basically been a novel with nothing said but thinking hasnt been too easy lately. Don't expect a return to the blog world...just thought I'd spit out the past month or so on paper and read it to see exactly what I'm feeling. For anyone wondering, I wont be making it to Texas in February. Just aint the right venue for me right now and the weekend before I have pretty rigorus physical test for a job prospect. Anyways, its nearly 11 by my clock and I have to be up at 5:45 so this kid is going to bed. I hope all the friends I ahvent talked to in forvever are doing well...dont take it personally if I dont call...I just dont think Id be much help to any of ya'll right now. Take care kids and God bless...

...

2005-12-29T04:05:00.000-08:00

Once I have 5 minutes alone I will update on what has been the most fucked up past 7 days of my entire life...

What its all about...

2005-12-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

So, the job is going amazing. I am making great money, I am doing a great job and I am earning respect from some very important people extremely quickly. Personal life...well, thats kinda sucked on and off for 5 months now. The girl and I have broken up more times than I can count, Ive hurt her, she has hurt me...its been an ongoing process. The messed up thing about it all is the fact that it has all been about things that happened long before the 2 of us ever met...I guess pain and mistakes from the past are their worst when they can even harm your present and future. Its like you dont understand that a mistake you made five years ago can and will come back to haunt you...its a brand. When youre me, you carry with you many brands and many ideals and opinions...an asshole, a prick, a "player"...name it...Ive probably been labeled it. Maybe Ive been so caught up in my mistakes and so insecure about how people view me I have made these things into much more than they really are with my girl...either way, she emailed me a poem she wrote...its about the first date we went on...I was blaring "My Sweet Annette" by the Drive By Truckers...I read this today and I started thinking, how could this girl NOT love me...and how could this NOT be right...She'd be pissed if she knew I was sharing this but Id say maybe only a coupe of you who read this know her so screw it...

Driving down some small town road
Me and you and all I owned
Rearranged in your truckbed
Listening to "My Sweet Annette"
Looking out at what we passed
Through the furturistic glass
All I saw was you and I
and all the roads we'd travel by
How do I begin to tell
the way I knew both then and now

Baby I can say I love you with absolute certainty
In a world of confusion, thats no luxury
Ever since the first time that I found myself in your arms
Ive been locked there captive to all your charms

You say youre not my type of man-you break the mold that I set
But baby thats the precedent that you set when we first met.
Nothing in my life has ever felt so real or true
As the endless ways that Im so in love with you
No fear or doubt could cast the shades of gray
On this sunny place Ive found with you today.
So as we're driving down this road
and where it goes we dont know
I hear the song we heard that day
and think of how my life has changed

In the time that we've been us
I carry you in all I do
I laugh more, hope more, smile more, dream bigger, sleep better and love so true

But, how do I begin to tell the way that I knew both then and now
that all I see is you and I
and all those roads we'll travel by...

I GOT THE JOB!!!

2005-12-02T09:06:00.000-08:00

I am now an official employee of carterusa.com

I am in charge of the accounts for development and property managment sector of the company...IM RICH BITCH

2005-12-02T05:01:00.000-08:00

Guess I'll try and get back to HNT...my feet and fight bag while I was waiting for my flight to Phuket from Bangkok

Sun Thru the Clouds...

2005-12-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

I had an interview today with a huge commercial real estate firm. They called me back 3 hours later to tell me I need to come in again tomorrow...I need this. Everything in my personal life is a complete disaster...it'd be nice if my professional life could just maybe this one time be OK...

Love Hurts...

2005-11-30T13:48:00.000-08:00

For all intensive purposes, I am a single man. Yet, I just cancelled a date with a gorgeous blonde who also happens to be 25 years old and successful...I love Brooke...

I remember a time when I'd get over a girl but sleeping with another one...those days are long gone...hello new JD...hello real pain...

"Three things cannot long be hidden the sun, the moon, and the truth"-Confucious

2005-11-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

Truth. What is the truth? Why is it so hard for us to admit? Not only to each other but to ourselves...All I can say about it is this...You can run from it, you can deny it, you can hide it, you can even try and make yourself believe it doesnt and never did exist...but it will NEVER go away. I broke up with the one girl I thought I would be with forever...I honestly did. Part of my truth was realizing she would never tell me her truth...realizing no matter how much I throw myself into this, how many sleepless nights I have, how many tears I shed, how many times I defend her to others and to herself...it wasnt gonna be enough. All I ever wanted from her was her brutual, honest to God truth...and she couldnt give me that. Our relationship had some of the cruelest, worst coincidences a relationship could have. Her bullshit facade at the start was part of her self-defense mechanism but all it really proved to do was cast a shadow of doubt on this whole thing. I followed my heart and I can honestly say, I gave it everything I had. I put her first...I sacrificed my self in numerous ways...it wasnt enough. Any kind of lines I may have drawn I allowed her to pass over and over again in hope that someday I'd know the truth about it all and we could move on. But, I guess in the end, her shame, her pride and her fear were stronger than her love for me. I've changed more in the past 4 months than I have in the past 4 years. But, I cant do this anymore. Im not a weak person...Ive done everything I can...Ive gone through the hardest time of my life coming home from Thailand and instead of burying myself in women, booze, drugs and anything else, I have found myself instead in church...in an accountability group...I'm done losing more of myself to this girl...there will come a time when she will realize she cant keep running from it all and only partially dealing with it and I pray this happens sooner than later. When I broke up with her, she called me her guardian angel...that I had swooped down from the heavens and saved her. Funny...all this time I thought I was just loving her. All I do know for sure is this hurts and the woman I thought would be my angel, has turned into nothing more than another brick in my wall of failure...only this time, I wasnt the bricklayer. The only reason this isnt a regret is because I know the positive influence I had on her life and a million years of my own pain is worth a moment of her true happiness. Maybe she did the best she could...maybe she did...I guess a girl with nothing to lose has everything to gain. Either way, this goes out to the truth...I pray that I along with all of you are fortunate enough to one day come across it in all its glory and that we are all strong and sharp enough to recognize it, hold on to it and love it for all its magic.

Well baby, you broke me...just like you said you were gonna do the first night I met you. I bet you didnt know then that that you were gonna be the one to cause all the pain...looks like the Brooke-proclaimed "tattooed, cage fighting meathead" had a heart and a soul big enough and deep enough for you not only to love but change the way you view yourself and the whole world. I pray one day you find your truth and it sets you free...