Truth. What is the truth? Why is it so hard for us to admit? Not only to each other but to ourselves...All I can say about it is this...You can run from it, you can deny it, you can hide it, you can even try and make yourself believe it doesnt and never did exist...but it will NEVER go away. I broke up with the one girl I thought I would be with forever...I honestly did. Part of my truth was realizing she would never tell me her truth...realizing no matter how much I throw myself into this, how many sleepless nights I have, how many tears I shed, how many times I defend her to others and to herself...it wasnt gonna be enough. All I ever wanted from her was her brutual, honest to God truth...and she couldnt give me that. Our relationship had some of the cruelest, worst coincidences a relationship could have. Her bullshit facade at the start was part of her self-defense mechanism but all it really proved to do was cast a shadow of doubt on this whole thing. I followed my heart and I can honestly say, I gave it everything I had. I put her first...I sacrificed my self in numerous ways...it wasnt enough. Any kind of lines I may have drawn I allowed her to pass over and over again in hope that someday I'd know the truth about it all and we could move on. But, I guess in the end, her shame, her pride and her fear were stronger than her love for me. I've changed more in the past 4 months than I have in the past 4 years. But, I cant do this anymore. Im not a weak person...Ive done everything I can...Ive gone through the hardest time of my life coming home from Thailand and instead of burying myself in women, booze, drugs and anything else, I have found myself instead in church...in an accountability group...I'm done losing more of myself to this girl...there will come a time when she will realize she cant keep running from it all and only partially dealing with it and I pray this happens sooner than later. When I broke up with her, she called me her guardian angel...that I had swooped down from the heavens and saved her. Funny...all this time I thought I was just loving her. All I do know for sure is this hurts and the woman I thought would be my angel, has turned into nothing more than another brick in my wall of failure...only this time, I wasnt the bricklayer. The only reason this isnt a regret is because I know the positive influence I had on her life and a million years of my own pain is worth a moment of her true happiness. Maybe she did the best she could...maybe she did...I guess a girl with nothing to lose has everything to gain. Either way, this goes out to the truth...I pray that I along with all of you are fortunate enough to one day come across it in all its glory and that we are all strong and sharp enough to recognize it, hold on to it and love it for all its magic.
Well baby, you broke me...just like you said you were gonna do the first night I met you. I bet you didnt know then that that you were gonna be the one to cause all the pain...looks like the Brooke-proclaimed "tattooed, cage fighting meathead" had a heart and a soul big enough and deep enough for you not only to love but change the way you view yourself and the whole world. I pray one day you find your truth and it sets you free...
