Wassup...

So I have been MIA for quite sometime. In that time, I have made a decision to pretty much keep the private things just that, private. I still have the girl...things are still rough. Things will continue to be rough until she gets the hell out of school and I can feel like we are really moving on. I'm still sober, still true and my shoulder is at about 75%. I've been in the gym for about 3 wks now hard. I dont know if I am supposed ot be leaking this info or not but fuck it. The head trainer/part owner of our gym in Athens has made TUF3...so congrats to him. Ive known this for about 2.5 months but its kinda secret so ya. I wont give a name so maybe if someone who gives a shit stumbles across this, I wont get into trouble. Life is OK...the job is something I should be thankful for but its just not my style. Money is great, benefits are great, opportunities are there but my heart and soul are still in fighting. With everyday that passes, every pain in my shoulder, every paycheck I am finding that dream getting farther away from me. The holidays were rough. I found myself by the one person I love more than anything in this world as she fought for her life in the ICU for the 3 straight days before Christmas. Dont ask for details cuz if you dont know them already, you aint getting them. I have been slacking as far as God goes. I have been getting very angry lately and very depressed. At least I have grown out of the "get fucked up and pretend everything is OK" phase. Life has never scared me as much as it does now. I've got a serious job, a serious girl and I'm not happy. I cant help but wonder what the real issue is. I just dont know anymore. What I do know is this; the thought of permanently settling into this life makes me sick and if I'm not careful, thats just whats gonna happen. You get comfortable in life and you start sacrificing your dreams and desires. Somewhere between Thailand and Atlanta my dreams and ambitions went from acceptable to outrageous and out of the question. When I was in high school, I never expected to make it to age 30. Maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe deep down I knew that with age comes the realization that life just will never be what you always dreamed it would. Maybe I just wanted to go out on top of my game. I would never want to die but there sure are times I dont wanna live. Some will say "get rid of the girl." Some will say "quit the job." Some will say "move away." But I'm not sure that any combination of those sentences is the answer. Do I quit my job on a whim and hope thats why Im unhappy? Do I break up with the one girl I know I have truly loved whole-heartedly and hope she was the weight on my back? Do I pack it all up and leave everything and everyone I know behind to go and make my own way? The answer is no. I gotta go with God on this. If I was meant to do any of those things, I wouldnt have to wonder if it was right or wrong. So, until I know I am getting my feelings right, I'm gonna keep doing what Im doing. Working the job that makes sense, loving the girl that can make me cry and living in the same place I've always lived. I know this has basically been a novel with nothing said but thinking hasnt been too easy lately. Don't expect a return to the blog world...just thought I'd spit out the past month or so on paper and read it to see exactly what I'm feeling. For anyone wondering, I wont be making it to Texas in February. Just aint the right venue for me right now and the weekend before I have pretty rigorus physical test for a job prospect. Anyways, its nearly 11 by my clock and I have to be up at 5:45 so this kid is going to bed. I hope all the friends I ahvent talked to in forvever are doing well...dont take it personally if I dont call...I just dont think Id be much help to any of ya'll right now. Take care kids and God bless...